The Anger



Oregon Coast

 It is early Sunday morning and all is quiet. I usually can calm the storm that I feel inside toward organized religion, but today is harder for some reason. You do not know me. You do not know what road I have traveled to get where I am at. I will not allow my life to be controlled by the anger, but there are days that I can feel it just below the surface like a wave that is rolling into the shore looking beautiful and peaceful then we are caught up in it as it crashes to the shore.

I understand that the anger I carry harms only the one that harbours it. I am a very passive person and I have dealt with the anger slowly as God provides me the grace and ability to do so. I know that one day that crashing wave will become a gentle rolling surf that is almost calming in the way it caresses the shoreline. Today, however, is not that day. Today I am angry. I just needed somewhere to say it and where better than a place that very few will ever see and no one will understand because they were not on the path that brought me here.

Proverbs 25:28 says "He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls." (King James Version) This is not my favorite passage, but it is in my top ten. I use it often when I need to be reminded about self control, what I say and how I say it. Just to be clear, I am a Christian. I know the scriptures very well. I am not one of your radical screaming from the roof top Christians but I am a Christian none the less, far from perfect and always in need of God's grace.

I am sorry if you have stumbled across this and found yourself with more questions about my anger than your understanding of it. Today is not the day to speak of the source nor the cause, Today is simply the day that I needed to tell someone else that I am angry. I have been angry for two years and as of yet, the anger has not subsided, but I know that it will. God is faithful. I know all of the Biblical principles involved in resolving the anger in my heart; but today, today I am just angry.

So just  to be clear to the world. Your DAMN right I am angry.

GW

Sunday Morning Drive





You have probably always heard about those "Sunday Drivers". I grew up quite familiar with the term never dreaming that I would become one of them. Yet here I am, finding myself on a regular basis heading out on Sunday afternoon with my camera to do just that, going on a Sunday drive.

I am not the kind of guy who wants to spend his whole Sunday watching football from pre-game to post game and not be bothered with the world around him. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a little football and I absolutely love baseball. That we will talk about in another post. I have found that I thoroughly enjoy getting out on a Sunday and just driving. Most of the time you will find me on the backroads, the old caliche county roads that are like a maze. You absolutely just never know where you will end up when you go with me. Sometimes my wife goes with me and sometimes she just says go have fun. She knows that when I get that itch, there is only one cure for it. When she does go with me she always takes a book along as a safety blanket just in case I get caught up in a photo session that runs on and on. I have to admit, sometimes I do get so caught up in looking for a specific photo when I have found some old abandoned farmhouse or whatever I have stumbled across.

This past Sunday proved to be a great Sunday drive. Instead of going on my traditional Sunday afternoon or evening drive, I went on an early morning drive. I am an early riser, I always wake early in the day. This past Sunday morning as I lay staring at the dark ceiling, I decided to be out driving when the sun came up. I rolled over to mention this to my wife, and needless to say, she really didn't care what I did as long as I let her get some more sleep. So I loaded my camera and my two grand puppies into the jeep and away we went. I chose to stick to some of my more frequent and familiar haunts. One of them is this old abandoned falling down house with an old fifties model Chevrolet wasting away in the tall grass out in front of the old homestead. You have to know about this house, you can't see it from the road and there is not a road that leads to it. I pulled up along side where I knew the old homestead was, looking for a place to pull off the county road. I slipped the jeep into the 4x4 mode and pulled off the road and eased up the hillside until I reached the old overgrown lane that I knew was there and drove on up to the old place just watching for any picture opportunity. The grass was four to five feet tall and you had to know where you were going or you could get in trouble in a hurry.

I climbed out of the jeep and began to just wander around and just slowly enjoyed the morning as it unfolded. I kept looking for that special photo, but it managed to elude me as it often does. I did take the many obligatory photos that you do when you are in this setting, hoping to stumble across at least one that you like, but this morning it was to no avail. The grand pups looked at me like I was crazy as I slowly and carefully worked my way around the deep grass and the old homestead. They were smarter than I and stayed in the jeep where it was safe. The air was crisp and cold and the sun was making a beautiful entrance into the day. It truly was going to be a beautiful Sunday.

After I felt as though I had exhausted all of my angles and photo opportunities, I slowly headed back to the jeep and put my camera on my lap and slowly drove around the old place for a few more minutes and then headed back down the old lane until it faded away. Then I drove across the ridge that led to the old county road and I turned on it and headed East in search of something, not really knowing what it even was. The sun was rising nicely by this time and the dogs were thoroughly enjoying themselves, my wife was soundly asleep in her warm bed at home and me, I was just out for a "Sunday Drive".

Eyes, The Window to the Soul

I have often heard that the eyes are the window to the soul. I know that there is no truth in this even though I think that the eyes of a person tell a lot about them. Occasionally, as crazy as it sounds, I will see a photo where I feel that I can look right into a person's soul. That is the kind of photo that is rare and it is almost haunting in how it follows you for days and sometimes years to come. I personally have never been able to capture that. I have taken thousands of pictures and I can not think of one where I truly believe that I have accomplished that feat.

This past weekend, I went to the Amon Carter Museum in Fort Worth. It is one of my favorite places to visit. One of the exhibits that is currently on display is "American Modern: Abbott, Evans, Bourke-White". In this display of photographs, I came across one of the photos by Margaret Bourke-White that was one of "those" kind of photos. It seemed to somehow capture the soul of the individuals. I was moved by it somehow. I do not understand how it happens, but something about the photo speaks to you and you can see and feel that it is somehow special.

Each individual person sees things differently. I noticed that while there were pictures that I lingered at, others would barely even glance at and some that others would linger at, I would slowly pass by wondering what they saw in it. Each of us are drawn to their own haunts and thoughts as we interpret what the photo is trying to convey.

Photography is a passion of mine. I long to be able to capture the type of photo that as people see it, they stop and do not even speak, they just gaze into the photo as if they themselves were held captive by the shutter. I have found that I am my harshest critic. My wife laughs at me because of the number of photos that I currently have on my computer is somewhere around 15,000. As a rule, for every 100 photos I take, I can usually find about one that I like and about one in 1000 that I love. That means that I have thousands to delete, but as I go back through them, I look to see if there is something there that I missed the first, second, third,......time that I looked at them. I know there was something to start with or I would not have taken the picture. Are these pictures that I would slowly pass by while others would linger at? I guess I will never know.

Say what you will, but I truly hope that at least once in my life I will capture "that" photo that each of us are looking to capture. I do not know what or where it is, but my camera is always ready and my eyes are always searching. I learned the hard way that you should never pass up a photo opportunity when it presents itself. The photo that haunts me the most is the one that I never took. I was in the perfect place, the stage was set, the subject was perfectly posed. It was priceless. I had my camera at hand, ready to take the shot and I just didn't. It is a picture that I will always carry in my mind, but I will never be able to share. It is not that I was lost in the moment or too slow to capture what was before me, I was so moved by it that I felt like an outsider that was stealing something that was not mine to take, so I sat my camera down and allowed the moment to fade away. In many ways for years I have regretted that decision, but in some ways, that decision has brought me an unexplainable degree of satisfaction.

The photo that I have posted is one that I took in Jamaica. It is one of my wife's favorites. To each his own.

Ghost Writer

Fall is Here

You can feel it in the air you can see it in the trees. Fall is here. I love this time of year!!!! I am not exactly sure what I love so much about it, I just know that I love it.

As I mentioned before and as you can probably tell from my writing, it has been a long year for me in a lot of ways. I will not bore you with the details nor ply you with the complexities of life as I see them. Today, I just want to enjoy the fact that Fall is here and it reminds me that there are a lot of Seasons in our lives.

Every year we see Winter give way to Spring which is overpowered by Summer which yields to Fall which in turn surrenders to Winter which gives way to Spring which.... It is like a merry-go-round. You love it one minute and then you can't wait to get off the next because it has made it hard to clearly see anything.

I remember as a child that I would get the merry-go-round going as fast as I could and then I would jump on and lie in the center and just watch the sky for what seemed like an eternity until it would finally come to a stop all by itself. I loved that feeling. The world was moving so fast and then slowly it would all come to a stop. Nothing dramatic, nothing spectacular, it would just finally stop.

I will always be a child at heart. My wife tells me that I am like an eight year old little boy even today. I am not sure if that is good or bad, but who cares most eight year old boys that I know are having fun.

Today's blog is quite simple. It is Fall I am an eight year old boy at heart. It has been a long year and I just want to enjoy the day. I hope that you have a great day as well.

Cleansing Rain

I love the smell of rain in the air. There is nothing quite like that smell.

I stand there and I feel the winds begin to shift and stir and I see the clouds rolling in. Sometimes they roll in gently and softly and sometimes they roll in like a giant locomotive. I don't even care which way they roll in as long as they roll in.

I walked around yesterday in an old field and I was noticing how the ground was hard and dry and the dust was beginning to cake on everything the way it does when it has been a while since it rained. Everytime I took a step, a small cloud of dust would rise from the ground as if to reach and grasp my foot to gain it's attention. I walked to the edge of the field and saw where the dry dusty trail led out into the pasture. It was quiet and I thought of the rain that would come. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but I knew that it would come.


The rain has always come. It has not always come as we wanted or as we beckoned it to, but without fail it has always come.

Then, to our dismay, we are suddenly in a new world. The dust has settled the air is fresh and crisp. The flowers and trees have all been washed by the hand of their maker. For a moment, we see things in a whole new light, then the process begins all over again and once again we find ourselves waiting for that cleansing rain.

As I grow older, sometimes I find myself much like that old dry field in need of the rain. It is hard to explain how we feel sometimes and that is what I like about this blog. I do not have to explain it or defend it. I simply am allowed to voice what might otherwise lay silent in my heart. I need that cleansing rain so often in my life. I wait and wait thinking is it today that it comes? Is it tomorrow? Is it next week?

We all face situations and challenges in our lives that dry up our spirit and our passion. It is that cleansing rain that periodically falls upon each of us that allows us to seize the freshness that it brings and to move on toward the goal before us, whatever that might be to me or to you.

These are all random thoughts brought about by a beautiful autumn shower following a quiet walk in the grass. Enjoy the freshness of the rain while it lasts and long for its awakening return.

Do You Ever....

... go for a walk in the early morning while all is quiet and dark?

... look at the stars and get lost in their vastness?

... sit in the late summer evening and listen to the locust sing?

... listen to the trees as the wind soflty caresses their leaves?

... watch the ocean as the tide gently rolls in and out?

... smell the air as the summer rain clouds begin to build?

... see the lightning flash as it rolls through the clouds?

... marvel at the rainbow as the storm subsides and rolls away?

... whisper in the wind as you feel the season begin to change?

... miss the days that have slipped away and are gone forever?

... look in the mirror and say who are you?

... wonder why God is so quiet at times in your life?

Do you? Do you ever?

It Has Been A While

I have been so busy with life, that I have totally ignored my blog for months. This is just to say that I have not forgotten it.

There will be a day when I have a few moments that are mine and I will steal away to my computer and I will again sit down and pour out my thoughts to a keyboard that has no will or mind of its own. It will follow my thoughts and wanderings in a way that no one else can and suddenly there will be a new post.

Until that day, the passing thoughts that I have will be just that, passing thoughts that go unrecorded and unnoticed in this crazy hectic world that we live in.

Life is good, enjoy it.